Music Jokes: Conductors

This is the second part of a series of posts which are simply lists of musical jokes.
See the first part here.
After general music jokes, I thought the conductor would be appropriate to make fun of, standing up there waving his stick about.

What do do with a horn player that can't play?

Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.

What do you do if he can't do that?

Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor.

"Mommy," said the little girl, "can I get pregnant by anal intercourse?"
"Of course you can." her mother replied. "How do you think conductors are made?"

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back

Why is a conductor like a condom?
It's safer with one, but more fun without.

What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
Some conductors actually read Greek.

How to irritate the conductor

1. Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
2. Look the other way just before cues.
3. Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
4. Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.
5. At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
6. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music.
7. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
8. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.
9. As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
10. When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.
11. If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
12. Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
13. During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.

I found all of these jokes on the website http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/

Visit it if you want to see even more musical jokes. I just thought these were the best.

Please leave comments, and come back in three days for the next post.