See the section on conductors here.
I've left out the viola, because there are just two many viola jokes to fit in this section.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high!
Why don't viola players suffer from piles (hæmorrhoids)?
Because all the assholes are in the first violin section.
How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo?
Write "pp, espressivo"
How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.
There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time.
A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time.
Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while."
After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French bow or German bow?"
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"
Visit it if you want to see even more musical jokes. I just thought these were the best.
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