You didn't think I was going to finish this series without viola jokes did you!
No. In fact, I've got a particularly long one this time.
It's in two sections, the short jokes, and then (after the break), some longer jokes. I personally think the longer jokes are actually better, although the viola jokes are particularly good when compared to other instruments.
How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando?
Mark it "solo."
What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two violists playing in unison.
Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses?
They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.
How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
How was the canon invented?
Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.
Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation?
Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.
What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common?
They're both offensive and inaccurate.
What is the definition of a cluster chord?
A viola section playing on the C string.
Why do violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra?
All those positions!
If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good viola player, a bad viola player or an oasis?
The bad viola player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case?
They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it.
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a viola case?
They think he's carrying a viola and might be about to use it.
Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
What instrument do violists envy most?
The harp. You only ever have to play pizzicato on open strings.
What is the similarity between a violist and a prostitute?
Both are paid to fake climaxes.
How does a violist's brain cell die?
Alone.
How do you call a violist with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
What's the similarity between the Beatles and the viola section of the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra?
Neither has played together since 1970.
What is the longest viola joke?
Harold in Italy [a piece of music featuring a long viola solo]
How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola?
Divide the metronome marking by 2.
What's the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
- half a measure
- a semi-tone
What is the difference between a violist and a prostitute?
- A prostitute knows more than two positions.
- Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.
How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?
- Shoot 11 of them.
- Shoot all of them.
- Who the hell wants a dozen violists?
Cross the break to get the longer jokes.
