My performance: Gnossienne No. 3

Just a quick video of me performing Gnossienne No. 3 by Erik Satie.

Unless I'm mistaken, this is the first video taken with my new Nikon D3100.

Please feel free to leave comments here, or head over to YouTube to thumb up the video, or comment over there.

New Logo

I've recently created a new logo for Music Meets Tech.

You can clearly see I'm no graphic designer, but I think it's quite nice. It gives the general idea of what this blog is about.

I designed it on my Mac in Adobe Photoshop, using a variety of images which belong to me, or were found on the internet.

Unfortunately, the logo isn't quite what I had in mind, because Blogger wouldn't let me have more than 200 pixels in height. It's a bit more squished than it would be otherwise, but doesn't lose anything important.

Let me know what you think of the new logo—or the design of the site in general—in the comment section below. You can post with nothing but your name and email address, or even anonymously (although it's always nice to see who the post comes from).

Music Jokes: Viola

You didn't think I was going to finish this series without viola jokes did you!

No. In fact, I've got a particularly long one this time.

It's in two sections, the short jokes, and then (after the break), some longer jokes. I personally think the longer jokes are actually better, although the viola jokes are particularly good when compared to other instruments.

How is lightning like a violist's fingers?

Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando?

Mark it "solo."

What's the difference between a viola and an onion?

No one cries when you cut up a viola.

What's the definition of a minor second?

Two violists playing in unison.

Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses?

They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.

How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?

The bow is moving.

How was the canon invented?

Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.

Why is a viola solo like a bomb?

By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.

Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation?

Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.

What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common?

They're both offensive and inaccurate.

What is the definition of a cluster chord?

A viola section playing on the C string.

Why do violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra?

All those positions!

If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good viola player, a bad viola player or an oasis?

The bad viola player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.

Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case?

They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it.

Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a viola case?

They think he's carrying a viola and might be about to use it.

Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?

Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

What instrument do violists envy most?

The harp. You only ever have to play pizzicato on open strings.

What is the similarity between a violist and a prostitute?

Both are paid to fake climaxes.

How does a violist's brain cell die?

Alone.

How do you call a violist with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

What's the similarity between the Beatles and the viola section of the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra?

Neither has played together since 1970.

What is the longest viola joke?

Harold in Italy [a piece of music featuring a long viola solo]

How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola?

Divide the metronome marking by 2.

What's the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?

1. half a measure
2. a semi-tone

What is the difference between a violist and a prostitute?

1. A prostitute knows more than two positions.
2. Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.

How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?

1. Shoot 11 of them.
2. Shoot all of them.
3. Who the hell wants a dozen violists?

Cross the break to get the longer jokes.

Music Jokes: Guitars & Modern Music

For the final section in this series of jokes about music and musical instruments, I'm moving on to more modern styles of music.
Before we start on this, I'm just going to give you a run down of what we've done so far:
General Music Jokes
Conductors
Strings
Woodwind & Brass
Percussion
Vocalists

And now on to the final post of the series on musical jokes.

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?

Give him some sheet music.

What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?

Counterpoint.

What happens if you play blues music backwards?

Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?

New Age music.

What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?

Eventually the puppy stops whining.

How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?

Start with two million.

How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.

I found all of these jokes on the website http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/
Visit it if you want to see even more musical jokes. I just thought these were the best.

As always, please leave comments, what were your favourite jokes, what didn't you like? Do you know any others?

Thanks for sticking through all these, and if you haven't, then I recommend you do. Musical jokes in general are really funny (although some of them require a level of musical knowledge), and I've picked only the best of the best.

If you liked these, then please subscribe by RSS, or by email so you can keep up to date with all of my posts.

Music Jokes: Vocalists

We're starting this series of musical jokes back up with vocalists. This includes jokes that relate to professionals, and some jokes that are specific to amateur singers. I think that these are actually really good.
You can see the previous post, on percussion, here.

What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning?

Puts on her clothes and goes home.

What's the next thing a soprano does in the morning?

Looks for her instrument.

What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?

Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.

What's the definition of an alto?

A soprano who can sightread.

How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They can't get that high.

How do you tell if a tenor is dead?

The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.

What's the definition of a male quartet?

Three men and a tenor.

How do you tell if a bass is actually dead?

Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).

What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?

The tennis final has more men.

How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?

On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.

I found all of these jokes on the website http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/
Visit it if you want to see even more musical jokes. I just thought these were the best.

As always, please leave comments, what were your favourite jokes, what didn't you like? Do you know any others?

Come back in three days for the conclusion to my series of musical jokes.

Music Jokes: Percussion

Now we're onto the bangers of the orchestra. These guys don't have many jokes either, although the ones there are are quite good.
You can see the previous section, on Woodwind & Brass, here.
What are we at now? Part 5 of the musical jokes series?

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?

So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?

A drummer.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

Drool.

How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?

The knock always slows down.

How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?

Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

I found all of these jokes on the website http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/

Visit it if you want to see even more musical jokes. I just thought these were the best.

As always, please leave comments, what were your favourite jokes, what didn't you like? Do you know any others?

I'm going to give it a rest for a little while now, come back on the 17th for the next section.

Music Jokes: Woodwind & Brass

Here's where my own instrument comes into play in this series of jokes about musical instruments.
Have a look at the section on Strings here.
Unfortunately, I didn't find very many clarinet jokes, but there was one in particular that I loved.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from the bassoon recital.

How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one. [I love this one, as a clarinetist I know it's SO true]

What's the definition of "nerd?"

Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

How do you know a clarinet player is playing loud?

You can almost hear them.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?

Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?

He's too sensitive.

How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?

Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.

What is a gentleman?

Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.

What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?

On or off.

These two tuba players walk past a bar...

Well, it could happen! [emphasis mine]

I found all of these jokes on the website http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/

Visit it if you want to see even more musical jokes. I just thought these were the best.

Please leave comments, and come back in three days for the next post.

Music Jokes: Strings

Next up in our ongoing series of musical jokes is the string section.
See the section on conductors here.
I've left out the viola, because there are just two many viola jokes to fit in this section.

How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They can't get up that high!

Why don't viola players suffer from piles (hæmorrhoids)?

Because all the assholes are in the first violin section.

How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo?

Write "pp, espressivo"

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin.

There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time.

A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time.

Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while."

After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French bow or German bow?"

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat minor.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"

I found all of these jokes on the website http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/

Visit it if you want to see even more musical jokes. I just thought these were the best.

Please leave comments, and come back in three days for the next post.

http://zagorath.blogspot.com/2010/11/music-jokes-conductors.html

Music Jokes: Conductors

This is the second part of a series of posts which are simply lists of musical jokes.
See the first part here.
After general music jokes, I thought the conductor would be appropriate to make fun of, standing up there waving his stick about.

What do do with a horn player that can't play?

Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.

What do you do if he can't do that?

Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor.

"Mommy," said the little girl, "can I get pregnant by anal intercourse?"
"Of course you can." her mother replied. "How do you think conductors are made?"

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back

Why is a conductor like a condom?
It's safer with one, but more fun without.

What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
Some conductors actually read Greek.

How to irritate the conductor

1. Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
2. Look the other way just before cues.
3. Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
4. Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.
5. At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
6. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music.
7. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
8. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.
9. As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
10. When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.
11. If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
12. Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
13. During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.

I found all of these jokes on the website http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/

Visit it if you want to see even more musical jokes. I just thought these were the best.

Please leave comments, and come back in three days for the next post.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Soundtrack

This is a response to a conversation I had with my friend over Facebook. His comment was:

the music was different. usually its all orchestral nd stuff. this time there was electronic john hopkins liek stuff and medeval sounding acoustic guitars. im talking background music specifically

just my opinion

Background music. Exactly. That's all it was. It didn't have any of the usual flare of a John Williams score. There wasn't anything memorable in it, except perhaps the music Daniel and Emma danced to, which doesn't really count.

They didn't even use the main theme "Hedwig's Theme" during the title sequence or credits, which they normally do.


Sure, the music did a great job of adding to the atmosphere, but that was all it was, atmospheric music. John Williams himself has this way of adding to the atmosphere fantastically whilst creating incredibly memorable tunes. Everyone knows the main Harry Potter tune, Darth Vader's Theme, Star Wars Main Title, the Superman Theme, the Jaws theme, the list goes on.
No one's going to remember the music from this film in my opinion.

(Follow the break to get down to the ratings and the next film)

Music Jokes

This is the first part of a series of posts which are simply lists of musical jokes.
I thought it would be appropriate to start with some jokes that apply to all musicians, so here goes.

What's the first thing a musician says at work?

"Would you like fries with that?"

What do you call a musician without a significant other?

Homeless.

What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?

Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

"Wagner's music has beautiful moments but some bad quarters of an hour."

--Rossini

"A drummer is a musician's best friend."

from a Martin Mull album.

"The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is two."

-- The Devil's Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce

Maestro (to Horns): "Give us the F in tune!"
Violist (to Maestro): "Please can we have the F-in' tune too?"

Definitions:

• string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.

• cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.

• music: a complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.

• cello: the proper way to answer the phone.

I found all of these jokes on the website http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/

Visit it if you want to see even more musical jokes. I just thought these were the best.
Please leave comments, and come back in three days for the next post.

FOBISSEA Music 2010 (Part 3)

This is part three (and the final part) in a series of posts.

There are many reasons that I enjoyed this trip more than past trips, but the main one I want to talk about is my own personal experiences with the music. (The other main reason is that it was a much more social experience for me, and I feel I socialised with new people from my school, as well as people from other schools, but that’s not very interesting for anyone other than myself.) The Beethoven symphony is my favourite piece of music of all time. Some of the pieces I wasn’t playing in were great to listen to, James Bond, Viva la Vida, Smoke on the Water, Jump from Glee. But that isn’t the best of it. In two of the pieces, I was the only clarinet to play. One Short Day, from the musical Wicked, was for choir and a small band. I’ve had experience with pieces like this before, and although they look simple at first, they’re always actually quite a challenge. This was no exception, although it was great fun to play, being the only one playing at many points.

The other piece that I loved was called Look at the World. It was originally for the whole orchestra, but the conductor decided he only wanted 6 strings, 1 flute, and 1 clarinet to play. I was the best clarinet there, so he asked me to play. It was incredibly beautiful, but also very hard at points. For me, those two pieces were the highlight of the whole trip.

There’s so much more I could say, but this is already 3 parts long, so I’ll just finish by saying what a great experience it was, and I can’t wait until next year in Beijing!

FOBISSEA Music 2010 (Part 2)

This is part two in a series of posts.

The organisation on periphery matters (things not directly relating to the music) this year was not as great as in the past. The food was in general just acceptable, although the opening dinner, and the final gala dinner were spectacular.

On three occasions during the trip, were had the opportunity to do one of the music-related workshops we chose before the trip. My first one — Jazz band — was pretty fun, although the conductor was a real pain. He was also the person who conducted the concert band, and he cut the best bits of Star Wars, and made us play a stupid simplified version of Soul Bossa Nova (from Austin Powers). The worst, though, came at the final concert. I was sitting right at the front of the jazz band, and he was literally one metre away from me. As I was still setting up, he had already started counting us in (he also deliberately put on this annoying accent for the count in), and started before I was even ready. He was also really impatient with the drummer, not giving her a chance to learn the one bar drum solo and the start of the piece. Because jazz band was performing in the concert, we were required to be there for both our first and our third workshop.-

My second workshop was GarageBand. To be honest, it was kinda a waste of time. They basically only taught us how to create a song using loops, and nothing more than that. Although I’ve never actually done it before, it’s incredibly easy to do, so I didn’t think it was really worth my time. There was another workshop that I wish I had done, but still wouldn’t have taught me anything. In the conducting workshop, they showed a video of Rowan Atkinson conducting Beethoven’s 5^th, which I actually showed to a friend the night before. Apparently it was only the absolute basics of conducting anyway: showing how to beat it 2, 3, and 4, and how to end a piece. I’ve already had some experience with conducting an actual orchestra, so although this workshop would have been fun, I wouldn’t have learnt anything anyway.

Check back in three days for the next part of the series.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times: or, FOBISSEA Music 2010 (Part 1)

This is part one of a series of posts.

FOBISSEA: Federation Of British International Schools in South-East Asia.

FOBISSEA Music is a festival in which a large number of talented musicians from British International Schools in the South-East Asian region. Over the course of around 6 days, a large group of musicians meet and rehearse music for a gala concert at the end of the festival. It’s a great opportunity for young musicians to expand their musical ability, while making new friends and just generally having a good time.

The selection of music this year was spectacular. Music including an a capella version of James Bond; string orchestra version of Coldplay’s Viva la Vida; music from the musical Wicked, the film version of Fame, Star Wars, and glee; some well-known classical pieces such as Beethoven’s 5^th and Elgar’s Pomp and Circumstance; and When You Believe, from Prince of Egypt.

Upon arriving in Hong Kong in the mid-afternoon, most of my friends went into Hong Kong Disneyland (we were staying at the Disneyland hotel), but I chose to stay behind and catch up on some homework — so I didn’t have too much work to do when we got back. Also, it was quite late, so they only got two hours in Disneyland: I didn’t think it was worth it.

FOBISSEA music is always really tiring — more tiring than the sport trip, surprisingly — and by the end of it, singers had throats like sandpaper, wind players had lips like jelly, and string players fingers were rubbed completely bare. The percussionists were fine though…

Despite this, playing such challenging and fun music was definitely worth the pain.

Check back in three days for the next part of the series.